Going Backwards

I’m officially 16 years old again.

I’m not even sure how to entirely write this post to convey exactly what it is that I’m feeling.

I am officially moved back into my folks place and am working at the movie store I worked in all through school. I have graduated University with an Honours degree in Commerce, I have had a well paying corporate job in downtown Toronto, I had what any person would consider “the life.” Now, I stand behind that counter of the movie store as I see my old highschool teachers walking in with their children asking me for movie recommendations. I feel compelled to give them my whole background of why I’m working here, and am not out curing cancer:

“Hello Mrs. X! Igraduatedfromuniversity,thenImovedtoTorontoandworkedforamultimilliondollarcorporation,thenImmovingto *deep breath * England, am justworkinghereparttimeuntilIgetallmyducksinarow, and,oh,no,I’mnotafailure” Yes, good to see you too, Mrs. X!”

It’s as though I’ve gone backwards through time. The people who started working there after me, are now my managers, and are also a great deal younger than I am.

The words to explain this feeling are escaping me right now…as is my pride.

Motorcycle Through The Country

I wish I had taken a camera. Although it proves quite difficult to hold when you are on the back of a motorcycle.

Geoff had commented on one of my posts once that even though it is wonderful to love travel and explore new things, it is equally as important to love your own country and go out and explore your home town. Nothing rang more true when I went on a 3.5 hour motorcycle ride through the beautiful back country roads here in my beloved country, Canada.

I had never been on a motorcycle prior to this ride, and to be honest – I was a bit scared at first. You can really feel every bump and every turn. My hands were red from holding on so tight. I didn’t dare turn my head or move in case that threw me off balance and I was thrown from the bike. However, when you’re surrounded by such gorgeous scenery and breathtaking views, you can’t help but want to turn your head and stare for just one second longer. So little by little, I started to let go. First one hand grabbed the back of the bike instead of the tight grip around the driver. Slowly, the other hand followed. Second, I started leaning back so I can truly see everything around me. By, the end no hands were needed and I could bask in the vast beauty that is Canada. My friend started sensing my becoming more comfortable and the turns became tighter, the bike drove faster and we were flying.

Much like this motorcycle ride, the move to London is going to seem scary and overwhelming at first, but slowly and surely I can see myself letting go one finger at a time.

I see a Vespa in my future.

And So It Begins

I’M FREE!

If you had been walking down Yonge & Eglinton on July 31, 2008, you would’ve heard me shout that repeatedly on my way home after my last day as a corporate pleb. On the outside I was thrilled, but on the inside I felt mixed emotions. Even though I would have rather gnawed my own arm off and beat myself with it than stay at that job one day longer, I will miss the people that I have made such close connections with. I will miss the morning coffee walks, I will miss my softball team (although I really wasn’t good enough for them to miss me), I will miss the after work socials and I will miss being able to walk to work.

Maybe I needed this in order to realize that the business world is not for me. Maybe I will need this trip in order to realize that maybe it really is. I have no idea what the next few years in my life have in store and that makes me excited! There are no more plans, no more set expectations, no more guidelines on how to live your life! Does being this independent mean I am truly a grown up now? Or does that mean that I’ve actually never grown up and am still living in the mindset of an 18 year old? Either way, it doesn’t matter. The beige walls of the 3 paneled cubicle are no longer closing in around me, and I am no longer finding myself being put to sleep by the eerie buzz of my computer screen.

There is one thing, however, that I am finding the most difficult to part with. LACK OF FUNDS! That magical paycheck that appeared in my bank account every 2 weeks is no longer in existence. I find that I now have to consciously think about that extra non-fat vanilla latte, that movie that I don’t necessarily have to see and those jeans that I already have enough of.

I have officially closed one chapter in my life to start another. However, before I can do that, the reality of moving back into my childhood home still needs to settle. Being in Dundas this past weekend, and waking up on my single bed in my tiny room felt like a nightmare. There are perks however – breakfast in the mornings via mother, access to a vehicle at all times and not having to rely on the Toronto Transit System, knowing almost every single person in town and CABLE! (A luxury when you’re living in downtown Toronto).

August 10th, 2008 – my official move date back to Dundas, Ontario. I have yet to start packing. It’s amazing the amount of things you can fit in a 600 sq. foot apartment. It’s amazing the amount of things you didn’t even know you had in a 600 sq. foot apartment! Everyday a new drawer of some sort is opened to reveal something new. It’s like your birthday everyday! Except most of these things are completely useless, however, you still feel a need to hang on to them regardless of the fact that you forgot they even existed over this past year.

So freedom is just around the corner. I just have to dig my out of my apartment to get there first.